Compunction
by vjp732
Summary: Tony is acting oddly, and Gibbs is determined to find out why.
1. Chapter 1

Tony woke up in a panic. He managed to stop himself from crying out, but he couldn't fight down the urge to vomit. He made it to the bathroom just in time.

The nightmares were getting worse. He hadn't slept properly in almost a year. Some nights he didn't get any sleep at all. Those were the nights when he went for a run, or went to the office. But running and working didn't get rid of the images and thoughts that had led to his insomnia.

The ringing of his cell phone cut short his thoughts. Tony groaned as he pulled himself up from his spot leaning against the bathroom counter.

Tony took four steps out of his bathroom, but then the need to puke had him turning around.

''DiNozzo,'' he answered once he finally picked it up.

''What took you so long?'' McGee asked on the other end.

''Sorry, I was throwing up. What do you need?''

''I'm at Gibbs' house. He's in his basement, and he's acting really weird, and I don't know what to do.'' McGee's voice was full of panic and alarm.

Tony glanced at the alarm clock on his night table: _01:43 February 28. _''Oh, shit. I'll be there in five minutes. Don't let Gibbs shoot himself.''

Tony hung up and grabbed his keys. He ran out of the house, not caring that he was only wearing a pair of sweatpants.

He made it to Gibbs' house in record time: 4 minutes and 28 seconds. McGee was waiting for him anxiously.

Tony brushed past McGee and softly walked down the stairs to the basement. As Tony had expected, Gibbs was leaning against the boat, Kelly's lunchbox in one hand, and his gun in the other. Tony slid forward slowly, and seated himself against the wall facing Gibbs. The wall was cold against his bare back. McGee had followed Tony into the basement, and seated himself on the stairs.

Tony stared at Gibbs for a few minutes before he spoke. ''Are you actually going to do it this time?'' Tony's voice was harsh and bitter.

Gibbs looked up and the sound. He hadn't realized that Tony had entered the room. He glanced over and saw a terrified McGee sitting on the steps.

''I don't know,'' he said quietly.

''We go over this every year, Gibbs. You can't bring them back.''

''I know. If they can't come to me, maybe I should go to them.''

''Well then hurry up and shoot yourself. You're cutting into the time I normally spend sleeping.''

''Tony!'' McGee interjected.

''What?'' Tony said angrily. ''He should have done it years ago. I should never have stopped him that first time.''

''What would that have solved?'' McGee asked, shocked that Tony would say such a thing.

''I don't know, but maybe if he had, then Kate would still be here.'' Gibbs raised his head in confusion. ''You know what I'm talking about, Gibbs. Kate died to save you. You pull that trigger now, and Kate died for nothing. It would be the same as killing her yourself.''

''You don't understand, DiNozzo. How could you?'' Gibbs' voice was quiet and sad.

''You're not the only person who's lost someone, Gibbs. And you either need to accept that and move on, or just shoot yourself and get it over with,'' Tony stated bitterly. ''And if you don't decide in the next ten seconds, then I will grab that gun and shoot you myself.''

McGee sat in a panic. What if Gibbs decided that the easiest course of action would be to die? Or what if he didn't decide within the time limit? Would Tony actually shoot him? Or what if Gibbs got pissed off and shot Tony?

''Eight... seven... six... five... four...'' Gibbs put the gun on the floor. Tony stretched over and grabbed it.

Having accomplished his task, Tony stood up and took the gun upstairs. McGee followed. Tony stopped at the safe in the living room and punched in the combo. He quickly stowed the gun and slammed it shut.

''How did you do that? And why do you know the combination for Gibbs' safe?'' McGee questioned.

Tony just shrugged and settled into the couch. He pulled the afghan off the back, and wrapped it around himself.

''You just gonna stand there?'' Tony asked. McGee quickly sat down in the armchair.

''Is Gibbs' gonna be okay?''

''Yeah, he'll come up in a few minutes.''

''I'm assuming that this is a regular occurrence?''

''Every year,'' Tony answered.

''How have you dealt with it in past years?''

''First year, I nearly had a heart attack. Second year, I just talked him out of it. Third, fourth and fifth year were great, then sixth year until now have been terrible. You just kinda go with whatever you think will work.''

''Why were years three through five so wonderful?''

''You don't want to know.''

''Fine, be that way.'' There was a small pause before McGee spoke again. ''Why were you throwing up this morning?''

''What?''

''This morning, when I called, you said that you were throwing up. Are you okay?''

''Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It was nothing,'' Tony answered.

McGee glared at him, obviously not believing him, but Gibbs chose that moment to come upstairs. Gibbs paused to stare at the men in his living room before going to his bedroom.

McGee and DiNozzo stared at each other. ''I get the couch,'' Tony said suddenly. To prove his point, he pulled the blanket even tighter and snuggled into the cushions. ''Are you going to spend the night?''

McGee shook his head. He needed to get back home. ''See you tomorrow, Tony. Thanks for coming out.''

Tony nodded. ''Bye.''

The door closed quietly, and Tony was left in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Reviews make me dance with joy.**

**Also, this story has not been betaed. I apologize for any mistakes.**

Tony awoke to the sound of coffee percolating. He looked around in confusion, before remembering that he had fallen asleep on Gibbs' couch. He pushed off the blankets and walked to the kitchen, where he found Gibbs sitting at the table reading the newspaper.

''Good morning,'' Tony said. Gibbs grunted in response, refusing to look at Tony.

''May I use your shower? I have a change of clothes in your dresser.''

Gibbs nodded. Tony ran up stairs and grabbed his clothes from the bottom drawer of Gibbs' dresser. Then he quickly showered.

Ten minutes later, Tony entered the kitchen. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt rather than his usual suit. He made himself a cup of coffee, and helped himself to a banana sitting on the counter. Despite looking rather sleep-deprived, Gibbs thought that Tony looked years younger.

''Are you ready to go?'' Tony asked. Gibbs nodded.

They got in Tony's car, Tony driving, and made the short commute to work.

''Don't you need to stop by your apartment and grab some things?'' Gibbs questioned.

''Everything I need is either with me or already at work.'' They fell back into silence.

Gibbs felt suddenly uncomfortable. It was unusual for Tony to be so quiet. Normally the younger man filled the void with useless talk. There was something decidedly off about Tony, but Gibbs couldn't place it. Perhaps the man was just tired.

Tony pulled into the parking lot, and the two men went through security. Ziva was already in the bullpen when they arrived. Tony sat down at his desk and turned on his computer.

The computer finally woke up, but Tony didn't move. He stared at the bright screen, the light reflecting off his retina. He felt suddenly ill. His head started hurting, and his chest tightened. He needed to cough, but he pushed it aside so that none of his coworkers would make assumptions about his health.

Tony stood up abruptly, pushed aside the wave of dizziness, and walked over to the elevator. Once inside, he waited a few moments before hitting the emergency stop switch. He grabbed on to the railing as he started coughing. He coughed violently for a few minutes, before the hacking subsided.

Tony straightened up, and hit the button for Ducky's lab. Before entering the morgue, Tony took a moment to plaster a smile on his face.

''Hey, Ducky.''

''Oh, Anthony, to what do I owe the pleasure?''

''I just wanted to see you. Are you busy?''

''I'm not doing anything that Mr Palmer cannot accomplish. Would you like some tea?''

''Yes, thank you,'' Tony said. He pulled up a chair and sat across from Ducky at one of the empty tables.

''What is bothering you, my dear boy?'' Ducky placed two mugs on the table and poured hot water into the teapot.

''I'm can't sleep. They're getting worse.'' Ducky was one of the few people who knew about the nightmares.

''How so?''

''They're becoming more frequent. Not a night goes by that I don't have one. And they're becoming more violent. I can't do anything to stop them, I just have to watch it happen over and over again.''

''Would you be willing to tell me the nature of these nightmares?'' Ducky poured the tea into the mugs, and stood to take the cream out of the body drawer.

''Thanks,'' Tony said, accepting the steaming mug. ''They're always the same, but they seem to rotate around. One night it will be Kate, the next Paula or Jenny. Some nights it's Jeffrey White, or Renny Grant. Some nights it's my mother, or my father. Kate is always the worst. I know it's going to happen, but I can't move, and I just have to stand there as it hits her. And there's always blood, everywhere, and it won't come off. One night I spent five minutes scrubbing at my face before I realized that it was only a dream.''

Ducky was silent for a moment as he absorbed the information. ''I once knew a boy in France who suffered from chronic nightmares. Of course, he didn't have nearly a disturbing background as yours, but he still woke up every night in a sweat, crying out in panic. Yet, when asked to describe said night terrors, he couldn't remember a thing. It was really quite interesting. Night terrors usually only occur in small children, but this boy was almost seventeen years...''

Ducky was interrupted by the arrival of Gibbs. Gibbs took in the scene before him with surprise. It wasn't often that Tony would willingly sit through one of Ducky's rambles, yet here he was, drinking tea with the man.

''DiNozzo! Isn't there something else you should be doing?''

Ducky noted that as soon as Gibbs spoke, a shutter went down behind Tony's eyes. The younger man's face was now blank and emotionless.

''Thanks for the tea,'' Tony said distantly, getting up from his chair. He brushed past Gibbs without acknowledging him.

Gibbs watched Tony pass by with concern. It wasn't normal for Tony to be so quiet and removed.

''You don't always have to be so brisk with him, Jethro,'' Ducky stated sternly.

''It's what he expects from me. There isn't anything wrong with him, is there?''

''Nothing physical. However, he decided to confide in me, and I would be breaking his trust if I were to share with you. You need to talk to him, Jethro. It won't go away by itself.''

''He came to my house last night,'' Gibbs said suddenly.

''Oh, yes. He's been there every year hasn't he?''

''Yeah. Although, McGee was there this year. I think he phoned Tony. How can I explain to him what happened?''

''Just tell him the truth. Poor Timothy was probably frightened out of his wits when he saw you in your basement.''

Gibbs nodded and turned to leave, but he stopped. ''Ducky, last night, Tony said something about me not being the only person to lose someone they love. Do you think he was talking about Jeanne?''

''I'm not going to break his confidence in me. I value his friendship too much. You'll just have to talk to him.'' Ducky sipped his tea.

''Thanks, Duck.''

Gibbs pushed the elevator button to return upstairs. The elevator arrived with a small _bing_, and Gibbs stepped inside. With Ducky's advice in mind, he let the doors close behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I forgot to mention that I don't own NCIS. **

Gibbs entered the squad room to find all three of his agents hard at work, writing up reports. He sat down at his desk and observed them discreetly.

Ziva was typing furiously at her keyboard, occasionally swearing in a foreign language. As he watched, she picked up the phone and started talking angrily to the poor victim who had answered.

Tony was working quietly. He refused to look in Gibbs' direction. It was a great change from the DiNozzo who had been at his house this morning.

McGee was the opposite of DiNozzo. He kept looking up at Gibbs, and then glancing away quickly, while blushing furiously. After a few minutes, Gibbs couldn't take it any more.

''McGee,'' he said. He stood up, and beckoned McGee to follow him. McGee trailed after him obediently.

Gibbs entered the elevator, and waited for his agent to follow. He stopped the elevator in between floors and turned to McGee.

''Is there something you need to say?'' Gibbs asked.

''Ummmm.. well... no, n-not really. I-I just,'' McGee stuttered. Gibbs slapped him on the back of the head. ''Thanks, boss.''

''I need to apologize for last night. I'm sorry that I frightened you. I'm sorry that you had to see me like that. I'm sure you noticed that DiNozzo is used to it. However, Abby doesn't know about it, so I would appreciate if you didn't tell her.''

''I won't mention it ever again,'' McGee promised.

Gibbs flicked the switch to start the elevator, but then he hesitated and stopped it again.

''Why were you at my house last night? That's the first time you've ever shown up,'' Gibbs questioned.

McGee took a deep breath before speaking. ''Something's been bothering me for the past little while, and I only realized what it is last night. I wasn't sure if you would still be awake, but I needed to talk to you, so I drove by your place. The lights were still on, so I went inside, Tony told me that you never lock your door, and I found you in the basement.''

''What has been bothering you, Tim?''

''Tony.''

Gibbs rolled his eyes. ''What has he done now?''

''He hasn't done anything. It's the exact opposite. He doesn't joke anymore, he doesn't make movie references, or when he does, they are forced and insincere. He shows up to work on time, and he actually does his work. He's not the same Tony from a few years ago. But it isn't a sudden change, it's been building for a while now, and I'm worried about what will happen when he snaps.''

Gibbs listened to this in silence. Without speaking, he started the elevator and exited into the bullpen.

As soon as Tony saw the elevator doors close behind McGee, he raced to the men's washroom. He needed to cough, and he needed water to sooth his burning throat. Luckily, the bathroom was empty when he arrived.

When he emerged, his chest painfully tight, he sat back down at his desk and picked up the phone. Ziva was watching him suspiciously, but Tony didn't really care.

''Hey, Brad? It's Tony DiNozzo. I'm good, and you? That's good. I was wondering if you wanted to meet for lunch today, catch up you know? All right, I'll meet you there. No, don't do that. See you later. Oh, and thanks, Brad. I owe you.''

Tony hung up the phone with a small smile.

''Gibbs is never going to let you leave for lunch,'' Ziva stated.

''Eavesdropping are we? Don't worry, I got it all planned out.'' Tony leaned back in his chair, but quickly sat up again when his lungs constricted.

''Why does that sound rather ominous?'' Ziva enquired, smiling maliciously.

''Probably because it is,'' Gibbs said as he rounded the corner.

Tony quickly schooled his expression into one of neutrality before turning back to his computer.

Lunchtime couldn't come fast enough for Tony. Gibbs kept looking at him with a contemplative expression, and his cough seemed to be getting worse.

Finally, noon rolled around, and Tony stood up with a stretch. He grabbed his service weapon and badge from his drawer, and tucked his cell phone into his pocket.

''I haven't given you permission to leave, DiNozzo,'' Gibbs growled.

''You don't have to. According to regulation, for every eight hours that I work, I am entitled to an hour break.''

''You can't just leave and not tell anyone where you're going,'' Gibbs argued.

''Right, because you've never done the exact same thing.'' Tony laughed bitterly. ''Call me if we get a case.''

Tony left without looking back, leaving Gibbs even more confused and concerned than before.

**AN: I am going to try to post a new chapter each day, but school and work seem to be conspiring against me. Please review and leave feedback so I can improve my writing.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I apologize sincerely for the delay in posting this chapter. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, alerted or favourited my story. It really means a lot to me.**

Tony sat in his car and took a deep breath, pushing down the anger that he felt. Although it was nice to have someone care about his whereabouts, his coworkers were caring for all the wrong reasons. They were only concerned that he wouldn't be there when they needed him. He sighed and started the car.

The drive to Bethesda Naval Hospital was short and uneventful. Tony spent most of the ride taking deep breaths, trying to alleviate the tension in his chest.

Dr Bradley Pitt was waiting for him in the hospital cafeteria when he arrived, two coffees sitting on the table in front of him.

''Hey, Tony, how's it going?''

''Pretty good, and you?'' Tony asked as he sat down.

''I'm good. So, do you care to explain why you wanted to meet? You were rather vague on the phone.''

''I'm feeling a bit ill. I have a headache, and I keep coughing. It's probably just a cold, but considering I almost died the last two times I started coughing, I thought I'd come see you.''

''Why not talk to Dr Mallard? Does Gibbs know you're here?''

''I don't want to deal with them right now. They don't know, and if you tell them, I will beat you over the head with a baseball bat. I'm sure I could convince your wife to help me.''

''I'm sure you could. Just so long as I didn't die, she needs me to mow the lawn. Wait- I never told you I got married. How did you know?''

''I'm an investigator. The ring.''

''I take off the ring while I'm at work.''

''There's a mark from the ring on your left hand,'' Tony said, gesturing towards the hand.

''Huh, you're very observant. As for your coughing, when did it start?''

''This morning.''

''Can you think of anything that might have caused it? Being in a place with a lot of dust particles, or maybe being somewhere cold for an extended length of time?'' Brad asked.

Tony thought back to that morning. He had been in Gibbs' basement. There was a lot of sawdust down there. He had also been shirtless, leaning against a cold wall.

''Yeah. I was sitting in Gibbs' basement earlier. It was kinda cold, and there was a ton of sawdust.''

''That would definitely aggravate your lungs. If you let me run a few tests, I can give you a suitable course of action. It's probably nothing serious, and if it is, then we've probably caught it early enough.''

Dr Pitt stood up, and Tony followed him. Brad led him to a small exam room, where he listened to Tony's breathing through a stethoscope.

''I'd like to take a quick X-ray of your chest, if that's all right.''

Tony gave his consent, and removed his shirt. Dr Pitt wheeled over a large machine and placed it in front of Tony.

''Ready?''

DiNozzo nodded, and Brad left the room to take the image. He returned a few seconds later, and put the machine away.

''I'll phone you to give you any information,'' Brad stated. Tony thanked him, put his shirt back on, and left.

The squadroom was empty when DiNozzo returned to work. He sat down at his desk and turned on the monitor for his computer. He checked his emails, and spent the next five minutes deleting all the spam he had received.

The rest of the team had still not appeared when he finished, so he decided to go through some cold cases. He had a few select cases that he always went over. He was quickly immersed in the case, checking alibis, and gathering information.

The case was rather straightforward. A young petty officer had been assaulted and mugged while walking home from a bar one night. PO Lante had sustained no major damage, and her psychologist stated that she was overcoming the trauma quickly. A more serious case had arrived, and PO Lante had been put in storage.

Tony ran a quick background check on all the suspects and witnesses. It had been two years since the case had been reviewed, and occasionally, new information came to light. Nothing had changed, and Tony was getting depressed, until he typed in the last name, Jacob Narth, the bartender at the bar that night.

Metro PD had arrested Narth last year on a domestic abuse charge. The girlfriend's statement indicated that it was not the first time Narth had gotten violent, and that he had a very quick temper. Narth was now out on parole.

Tony checked the case file to confirm that Narth didn't have an alibi for the assault. A witness at the bar had said that Narth's shift had ended ten minutes after Lante had departed.

Tony let out a small triumphant chuckle, but grimaced as it turned into a cough. Once he had recovered, he glanced down at the clock on his computer. _14:17._ Where were his coworkers? They had been gone for more than an hour.

The bar where Narth worked was currently open as a grill for lunch, so Tony enlisted Agent Balboa to help him interview Narth.

''What if he isn't working?'' Balboa asked.

''We can still talk to the manager, get another opinion on Narth,'' Tony responded. He climbed into the driver's seat of the car, waiting for Balboa to buckle his seat belt.

Neither of the agents had been to the bar before, and it took them a few extra minutes to get there.

''It's not my fault the streets aren't properly named. Besides, you could have been watching too,'' Balboa said.

''I was focusing on driving,'' Tony argued. '' I can't look at street signs and avoid stupid pedestrians.''

''Just hit them. If they're stupid enough to walk in front of a moving vehicle, then they deserve to get hit,'' Balboa said with a smile.

The two men approached the bar, and introduced themselves to the man behind it.

''NCIS. Do you know where we can find Jacob Narth?'' Balboa enquired.

''He's in the kitchen. Is he in trouble or something?''

''Maybe,'' Tony replied. ''Have you ever had any problems with him?''

''Not personally, but I know that a few of the waitresses have complained about being harassed. He tends to get very angry when things don't go his way.''

''Thanks for you help.''

DiNozzo and Balboa walked towards the metal doors leading to the kitchen. Tony quickly observed the dining section of the grill, getting a quick read on the patrons. He stiffened when he saw his coworkers sitting in a booth in the corner, talking animatedly. Everyone was there, Gibbs, Ziva, McGee, Abby, Ducky, and even Palmer. They didn't appear to have noticed him, and Tony preferred that it stayed that way.

Balboa was already in the kitchen. Tony moved to follow, his hand on the swinging doors, when he heard a shout. He peered through the small window. A large man was running towards the door, Balboa in pursuit. As the man was approaching, Tony pushed open the door, hitting the fleeing man.

''Nicely done,'' Balboa panted. Tony grinned and handcuffed the man. Together, they pulled him up, and walked him out to the car.

Tony refused to glance into the corner where his coworkers were seated. He was too angry with them to care if they had seen him. Maybe it was time for a change.

**AN: If you have any questions, ideas, or complaints, please let me know and I'll try to answer them or incorporate them into the story. **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: This chapter is Gibbs' POV from when Tony left to visit Dr Pitt.**

**This chapter contains spoilers for the episode 'Requiem'.**

Gibbs stared at the elevator doors, bewildered. Had DiNozzo really just snubbed Gibbs?

McGee and Ziva were alternating between staring at the elevator and staring at Gibbs. Gibbs hoped that they got whiplash from looking back and forth.

After fifteen minutes of not getting any work done, Gibbs phoned Ducky and Abby, and told them to meet him in a bar and grill in twenty minutes. When he hung up, he motioned for Ziva and McGee to follow him.

The restaurant was out of the way and hard to find. It was perfect for what he wanted. Ducky and Abby arrived together, a reluctant Palmer in tow.

The group squeezed into a booth in the back, and ordered a round of coffees.

Once the waitress had brought their drinks, Gibbs turned to the group. ''We're here to talk about Tony. Something's going on that he isn't talking about, and apparently it's been going on for a while. McGee, when did you first notice something off?''

''It's hard to tell with Tony. It's been so long that it's hard to remember what he was like before.''

''Before what?''

''The incident with Jeanne is when I really noticed something off, but it might have been as early as you leaving for Mexico. He had a really hard time with it when you left,'' McGee reported.

''A situation which you two did not help,'' Ducky said accusingly, talking to McGee and Ziva.

''What happened?'' Gibbs growled.

''Uhmmm... We may have been a bit difficult to work with,'' McGee supplied.

''A bit? Anthony is the only thing that held the team together. He was putting Abigail back together, trying to prove his worth to the director, and then he had to deal with you two pointing out that he wasn't Gibbs every five minutes. None of you thought to see if he was okay. And I must say, he was probably worse off then all of you,'' Ducky said.

''How was he worse off than us?'' Abby asked.

''You know how close he was with Jethro. He was absolutely devastated when you left.''

''How close were we, Ducky?''

''Very.''

''He does seem to know a lot about you, Boss,'' McGee said. ''He knows the combination to your safe in the living room, and he once told me that you're allergic to mangoes.''

''I've never told anyone about my mango allergy. It's not even in my file.''

''He also knows that your favourite colour is blue, and that you use to have a hamster named Gerbert when you were three,'' Abby mentioned.

''He has a change of clothes at my house,'' Gibbs threw in thoughtfully.

''But what does this have to do with his unusual behaviour?'' Ziva spoke for the first time.

All of them turned to Ducky. ''I know only a little more than you do. And since Anthony is not very forthcoming with information, I feel privileged that he confided in me. I will not break that trust.''

''How did you get him to talk to you?'' Gibbs asked.

''He didn't have much of a choice. Do you remember a few years ago, Kelly's old friend Maddie came to see you? You and Maddie somehow ended up in the cold water by the docks. Young Anthony dove in and pulled you out. Later that night, I got a phone call from Tony's doctor, informing me that Anthony had a minor case of bacterial pneumonia. He was clear for field duty, but that I should watch him to make sure that complications did not ensue.'' Ducky paused to take a sip of his coffee.

The rest of the team absorbed this information silently. Why hadn't it occurred to them to check on Tony? He had been through just as much as Gibbs and Maddie. While the other two had been immediately taken to hospital, Tony had stayed behind to help process the scene.

''I later approached him, asking why he hadn't told one of us that he was ill. He told me that you were all too busy, and he didn't want to bother you. I made him a pot of tea, and we sat down and talked for a good three hours. He comes to me every so often when he feels the need to share. However, I suspect that had his doctor not telephoned me, I would have never known what had occurred.''

''I can't believe that we didn't think to send him to the hospital,'' McGee said. ''He didn't say anything, and we just assumed that he was okay.''

''That's what he wanted you to think. Anthony is very adept at hiding the man he really is. You only see what he wants you to see,'' Ducky stated.

''He's starting to crack,'' Palmer said. ''Did you know that he spends most of his weekends, nights and holidays at the office? I caught him there at Christmas last year.''

As the team discussed the mysterious entity known as Anthony DiNozzo, the door opened and two men walked in. Gibbs instinctively looked towards the sound.

It was DiNozzo himself. _Oh shit,_ Gibbs thought.

''I can't look at street signs and avoid stupid pedestrians,'' DiNozzo said.

''Just hit them. If they're stupid enough to walk in front of a moving vehicle, then they deserve to get hit.'' That voice belonged to Agent Balboa. If Balboa was with DiNozzo, then it meant they were here on business.

Gibbs turned back to the group. They didn't seem to have noticed the arrival of the man they were discussing.

''We really don't know anything about him. I can't remember the last time we went out together, and I can't think of even the smallest personal fact about him. I don't even know his favourite colour,'' Abby said.

''It's not your fault. If he wanted us to—'' Ziva's words were interrupted by a small yell and a large bang.

The team whipped their heads towards the commotion. Ziva and Gibbs had drawn their guns. They watched as a grinning DiNozzo put handcuffs on a man with a very bloody nose.

Balboa and DiNozzo left with their suspect. DiNozzo hadn't looked at them, and Gibbs hoped that it meant he hadn't noticed them.

''We should head back,'' Gibbs said after a moment.

The rest of the group nodded, and they all threw some money on the table for the bill.

Returning to his car, Gibbs wondered what exactly was going on.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. I hope everyone enjoyed this week's episode.**

When Gibbs got back to the office, Tony was nowhere to be found, but one of the agents on Balboa's team told him that Tony and Balboa were in interrogation with their suspect. Gibbs had no idea how long they would be, and decided to get a coffee before confronting DiNozzo.

Gibbs took longer than expected, as one of the people at the coffee shop insisted on talking to him. When Gibbs walked back into the bullpen thirty minutes later, his coffee now cold, DiNozzo was at his desk.

However, rather than writing up his reports or doing any real work, Tony was leaning back in his chair, his feet on the desk, sleeping. His face was restful, and it was odd to see him so quiet, but he was far from peaceful. DiNozzo's features had arranged themselves into a frown.

In a rare moment of compassion, Gibbs stopped beside the sleeping man and brushed some hair off his forehead. DiNozzo's eyes snapped open, and before Gibbs knew what was happening, he was face first on the floor, his arms held behind him back, DiNozzo's hard knee pushing him into the floor.

''Oh, sorry Boss,'' Tony said. ''You shouldn't sneak up on people like that.''

He released Gibbs' hands and removed his knee from Gibbs' back. Gibbs winced as he got off the floor.

Ziva and McGee watched the exchange in amazement. Had DiNozzo just attacked Gibbs? And won?

''Yeah,'' Gibbs muttered. The two senior agents stared at each other. Ziva got the feeling that something bad was about to happen, so she jumped in quickly, forcing them to look away from each other.

''Uh, Tony, while you were bat-napping-''

''Cat-napping,'' Tony and McGee corrected together.

''Whatever, while you were asleep, your cellphone started vibrating. You were very tired, and I didn't want to wake you, so I answered it. The call was from a Brad Pitt. Is that his real name? Anyways, he wanted me to tell you not to worry, it's nothing serious,'' Ziva explained. ''Does that mean anything to you?''

''Yeah, thanks. And yes, that is his real name.''

Gibbs observed the conversation in silence. When they had finished, he turned to Tony.

''You contacted Brad.'' His voice was hard and angry.

''He's a friend. Of course I talk to him from time to time.''

''He's also your doctor. What are you hiding from me?'' Gibbs growled.

''I'm not hiding anything. As I'm sure you just heard, it was nothing serious.''

Gibbs snarled and grabbed Tony's arm. He dragged the younger man to the elevator and pushed him inside. Once inside, he hit the switch so hard that it was in danger of being pulled out.

Tony remained silent, waiting for Gibbs to make the first move. His face was stony, and his eyes were empty, but there was an angry air about him.

''I know that you saw us in the bar, and I need to explain,'' Gibbs said after a long two minutes of silence.

Tony snorted. ''Yeah, I'm sure you do.''

''Tony—''

''Don't waste your breath. It doesn't really matter. I'm used to it anyways.''

''You're used to it? What does that mean?'' Gibbs questioned.

''It's not the first time that the team has gotten together without me. It's become a regular occurrence. I would almost be more surprised if I was invited to join you.'' Tony's voice was bitter, and there was a flash of hurt behind his eyes.

Gibbs hated seeing the pain behind Tony's eyes, and he hated it even more, knowing that he was the one to put it there. ''Do you trust me, Tony?''

''Of course, I wouldn't be here if I didn't.''

''I know that you trust me professionally. I'm asking if you trust me personally.''

Tony hesitated before answering. ''I don't know anymore.''

He opened his mouth to speak again, but he started coughing instead. Gibbs watched in concern as his agent doubled over, holding on to the elevator railing for support. When DiNozzo finally straightened up, Gibbs couldn't help but be reminded of a very sick Tony surrounded by blue lights.

''I'm fine,'' Tony said in response to Gibbs' unanswered question. ''I use to trust you. But now? I just don't know.''

''What happened, Tony? What did I do to lose your trust?''

''You went to Mexico. I'm not sure I ever forgave you for leaving us like that.''

''I know. I regret it. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I was so confused. The pain of losing the girls was still so fresh. I didn't know who I was anymore,'' Gibbs explained.

''I know the feeling,'' Tony said.

The two men fell back into silence. Gibbs used the moment to examine his agent. Tony looked weary and tired. He seemed exhausted. DiNozzo's face was devoid of emotion, but years of stress had left their mark. His eyes were wary and jaded. He was faint and worn out.

''We should probably get back. We've been gone a while, and they might think that the elevator has actually broken down this time,'' Tony stated. He flicked the switch, and the elevator lurched into motion. The elevator dinged to announce their arrival at Abby's lab.

Just as Tony was exiting the car, Gibbs had a thought.

''Tony, wait.''

Tony turned around and stuck his hand out to prevent the elevator doors from closing.

''Tony, when was the last time you were happy? When was the last time you dropped the masks?''

Tony hesitated, uncertain of what to say. He chose his words very carefully before he spoke. ''It was so long ago that I almost don't remember.''

Something about his hesitation caught Gibbs' attention. ''You do remember, don't you?''

''Yeah, but you don't,'' Tony said sadly, letting his hand slip away from the doors. The elevator dinged again, and the doors slid shut.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I am very sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. My teachers have all decided that a social life is optional, and that I should spend all my time doing homework. Thanks again to all who reviewed.**

**Also, I realize that in reality, this would take place right before the episode 'One Last Score', but for the purposes of this story, I'm just going to pretend that never happened. **

Tony walked away from the elevator, holding back tears. He needed to put as much distance as he could between him and Gibbs. He glanced at the lab; he couldn't go in there, couldn't let Abby see him like this.

He glanced back at the elevator, before grabbing the door to the stairwell and pulling it open. Tony scanned the area to ensure that he was alone. The stairwell was empty.

Tony sighed and sank down to the floor. He raised his hand and head slapped himself. He couldn't let himself fall apart. He had kept it together for almost four years, he couldn't give in now.

He had been doing so good until today. What had happened? Tony already knew what happened, Gibbs had happened. Sometime after McGee had left that morning, Tony had come to the sad realization that he had nothing.

He had already come to that realization, after the case of Commander Vincent Reynolds, and the psych evaluations with Kate's sister. But last night, sitting in the basement watching Gibbs, had hit too close to home. If he were to go home and shoot himself in the head, would McGee panic and phone Gibbs? Would Gibbs care enough to come over and stop him?

Tony shook his head to clear his thoughts. He needed to hold it together, and thinking about suicide was not helping. He took a deep breath to steady himself, before pulling himself up and exiting the stairwell.

Gibbs stared at the elevator doors in frustration. He had brought Tony into the elevator with the intention of apologizing, and hoping to get the younger man to open up to him. Except Tony had distracted him, deflected his attempts at explaining, and had opened up more questions than he had answered.

Gibbs sighed; he should have expected this to happen. If things got too close, Tony pushed them away. He was an expert at hiding his thoughts. DiNozzo was a very private person, a contradiction to the person he usually portrayed at work.

_Well, _Gibbs thought angrily, _DiNozzo is going to tell me what is going one way or another._ Gibbs resolved to go to his subordinate's apartment after work and have a long overdue discussion about the consequences of Gibbs' retirement in Mexico.

With that thought in mind, Gibbs pushed the button to open the doors, and went to talk to Abby.

Gibbs left the office much later than he had expected, having been called into a meeting with Director Vance. Irritated at the delay, Gibbs pounded up the stairs to Tony's apartment. He knocked loudly on the door to 412.

''DiNozzo! Open the damn door!''

A petite woman with dark brown hair, balancing a toddler on her hip, opened the door. ''Can I help you?''

Gibbs stared in shock. This was evidently not DiNozzo's apartment. ''I'm looking for Agent DiNozzo.''

''He lives next door, #414,'' she said, pointing to left.

''Oh, thanks.''

The brunette smiled and closed the door. Gibbs shook his head. There was so much he didn't know about his agent. He didn't even know where the man lived.

Gibbs turned to the left and knocked on the appropriate door. There was no answer. He knocked again, adding his voice to the mix. Again there was no answer, so he pulled his lock-picking set out of his wallet. Gibbs figured that Tony was just trying to avoid him, pretending he wasn't home.

Gibbs glanced around to make sure that nobody was around before kneeling down and picking the lock. The door opened with a small click. Smiling triumphantly, Gibbs entered the apartment, but the smile quickly disappeared.

The apartment was vacant. All the lights were off, and all of Tony's possessions were in their proper place. The kitchen was immaculate; there weren't even any dirty dishes. Gibbs was slightly more comfortable in the living room, it was more like the Tony he thought he knew. A large TV graced one wall, and on either side were large cabinets filled with movies.

As Gibbs moved through the apartment, he noticed that there were no personal objects on display. In fact, the only sign that the apartment wasn't just being used for storage, was the unmade bed. The bedroom was rather sparse. It consisted of a bed, a night table, a dresser, and a bookcase. The bookcase interested Gibbs. He hadn't thought that DiNozzo would be an avid reader, but the bookcase was filled with various novels, all of which had been read multiple times.

The empty apartment was starting to freak him out. It reminded Gibbs to much of his own house, and all the ghosts that lived there. Throughout the day, Gibbs had been too distracted by Tony to think of Shannon and Kelly, but now, standing in the barren apartment, they came back to him.

Gibbs slid down on to the couch. He should have been there for them. Why hadn't he been there? They were supposed to worry about whether he would come back. He wasn't supposed to worry about whether they would still be there when he returned.

His thoughts were interrupted by the shrill ringing of a telephone. Gibbs looked around in confusion. Oh, right, he was in DiNozzo's apartment, with out DiNozzo. He grabbed the offending phone and answered it.

''Anthony DiNozzo's phone.''

''Gibbs? Why are you at Tony's? And why are you answering his phone? Can I talk to him?'' Abby's bouncy voice was on the other end.

''He's not here, Abby.''

''Oh, I wanted to know if he would go out for drinks with me. We haven't gone out in a really long time, and I feel kinda guilty about excluding him today at lunch.''

''I know, Abbs. But he knows that we were there, so you'll have to tread carefully.''

''Oh my gosh, he knows we were hanging out without him? How did he take it? I'll bet he was upset. I can't believe we did that to him, even though we did it because of him, but still, we could have just asked him rather than going behind his back and talking about him. I'm going to buy him some roses to make it up to him,'' Abby rambled.

''Abby,'' Gibbs interrupted. ''Do you know where Tony is?''

''No. Try phoning him. I'll save the drinks for another night.''

Abby hung up, and Gibbs returned the phone to the cradle. After a few seconds, he grabbed it again and entered the number for his agent's cell phone. Tony answered on the third ring.

''Hey, boss. Do you need something?''

''Where the hell are you?''

''Does it matter? We're not on call for tonight.''

''It matters, because I am in your apartment, and you are not. We need to talk, Tony, and not over the phone. You need to answer a few questions.''

There was a long pause, and Gibbs wondered if Tony had hung up. ''Go back to the part where you broke into my apartment,'' Tony said angrily.

''Well, you didn't answer the door, and I wasn't going to let you avoid me. I'm going to ask you again, and if you don't answer, then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Where are you?''

There was another hesitation. ''There is a black box underneath my bed. It's locked, but since you managed to get into my apartment, I'm sure that you will have no problems opening it. It will tell you everything you need to know. Phone back after you've opened it.'' Tony hung up before Gibbs could respond, ending the conversation.

Gibbs glared at the phone, as if it were responsible for his frustration. With a sigh, Gibbs walked to the bedroom and knelt on the floor beside the bed. He reached underneath, and pulled out the large box. It was covered in a thin layer of dust, but was evidently well cared for.

Gibbs placed the box on the bed, and sat down beside it. He pulled his lock-picking set out of his wallet again, and cracked open the lock, but he didn't remove the lid. Gibbs was suddenly unsure of this. He wasn't sure that he wanted to open the box, to peek in to DiNozzo's personal life. There was obviously a reason why the younger man was hiding things, and maybe it was better if they stayed hidden. Gibbs had a rule about secrets, didn't he? Rule #4: If you have a secret, the best thing is to keep it to yourself.

Gibbs shook his head. This was ridiculous. Secrets could tear apart the team, and Gibbs knew from experience that they could destroy the one keeping them. Gibbs took a deep breath and opened the box.

**AN: I made it longer than usual in the hopes of appeasing the angry fanfiction Gods. They don't like long delays between posts.**

**Please don't forget to review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I'm sorry. It's short, but it's something. I give you all permission to throw things at me after that long terrible delay.**

**Also, the website removed my separator things, so in this chapter I am using part of the poem "The Horrors of Sleep" by Emily Bronte. **

Tony slammed the phone into the cradle angrily. What right did Gibbs have to break into his apartment? It was invasion of privacy.

Tony leaned back in his chair and put his feet on his desk. He loved coming into the office late at night. He usually had the whole place to himself, and it was very helpful in chasing away the nightmares. Tony sat there and stared up at the skylight. It had started raining, and the rain drops left interesting patterns on the glass.

Slowly, the anger at Gibbs' invasion abated, only to be replaced by frustration that Gibbs cared enough to check up on him. He must have slipped up really bad for Gibbs to go to his apartment.

Tony regretted telling Gibbs about the box. Had he kept his mouth shut, he might have been able to salvage his job. He could have put the day's behaviour down as lack of sleep, taken a personal day, and then come back to work. Now, his best option was resigning, and hoping that Gibbs didn't murder him.

With a sigh, Tony swung his feet off his desk. He didn't want to resign, he enjoyed the job, but it was his only option. He could try and get a job with the FBI, or maybe it was time to leave policing.

Tony shook his head. Perhaps Gibbs wouldn't react negatively to the contents of the box. Tony snorted, who was he kidding? Of course Gibbs would react negatively. But Tony decided that he would wait for Gibbs to phone him back before handing in his resignation.

Maybe Tony could just take a few days leave, and then just fade away. The team would miss him, but they would get over it. They had proven at lunch that they didn't need him. Tony was still angered by their actions, but if he was honest, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have. After Gibbs had left for Mexico, Tony had spent a lot of effort ensuring that no one got close to him. It had meant severing some of his ties, like spending less time with Abby, but the others didn't care enough to try and get past the walls.

Until today. Today he had screwed up, he had started to crack. He had let them get too close, and the walls were starting to crumble.

Tony stood up, grabbed his cellphone, and left the office. He really needed to go outside, to escape the walls that were pressing in. It was still raining, but Tony didn't care, he loved the rain. He bought a coffee from the cafe just outside the navy yard, and sat on a bench in the park. He couldn't do anything until Gibbs phoned him back. He just had to wait.

_**Sleep brings no joy to me, remembrance never dies,**_

_**My soul is given to mystery, and lives in sighs.**_

Gibbs stared into the box before him. Even though it was quite large, it only contained a handful of objects. It was obvious that these items were important to DiNozzo, but Gibbs couldn't tell just how important they were. He turned the box upside down, and emptied the contents on to the bed. Most of the objects were photographs, but there was also a gold ring, a puka shell necklace, a silver bracelet, an Israeli flag, and a miniature statue of the Eiffel Tower.

Gibbs picked up the Israeli flag first. It was either a gift from Ziva, or a souvenir from DiNozzo's time in Tel Aviv. Gibbs figured it was a gift, since he knew that Tony didn't look back on that time with fondness. He placed the flag back in the box.

The next object that he examined was the necklace. It was rather familiar, and with a jolt, Gibbs realized that it had once belonged to Kate. DiNozzo must have taken it from her desk shortly after her death. Tears started to well in his eyes, and Gibbs had to take a moment to regain his composure. The necklace quickly followed the flag back into the box.

The Eiffel Tower statue was cold and heavy in his hand. Gibbs wasn't aware that DiNozzo had ever been to Paris. But Jenny had. Gibbs didn't bother holding back the tears this time. He let them fall, knowing that he was alone, and that holding them in would just make it worse. He quickly placed the statue back in the box. It had seemed to grow heavier the longer he held it.

The silver bracelet was next to be inspected. There was some sort of engraving on the side of it. Gibbs struggled to make out the words, since he didn't have his glasses. _Monroe University Hospital Psychiatric Ward._ Didn't Jeanne Benoit work at that hospital?

Gibbs was starting to understand the items in the box. They were all objects associated with people and things that DiNozzo had lost. Gibbs had a similar box, but his was locked away in the back of his mind, he didn't have physical items. Most people would scorn DiNozzo for holding on to the past, but Gibbs understood. The objects served as hints, reminders that he could lose everything in a split second.

Gibbs thought back to Tony's words from last night. What had the younger man said? _You're not the only person who's lost someone._ Gibbs was starting to realize the meaning of the words.

Maybe Tony DiNozzo had already lost everything, and the articles were merely there to remind the man that one day, he too, would be lost.


End file.
